So I was listening to the radio this morning. and was quite disturbed. An 18 year old guy called in. He is married and his wife has put on 50 lbs in a year. We all know here how that is possible, there is obviously something going on with her possibly emotionally that has done this. He says he needs her to lose the weight or he is thinking of leaving her. What a pig! I am so glad that my husband sticks by me through thick and thin. LOL.
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oh believe it!. I put on 30lbs in 2 months once. I was on a specific medication that made me very depressed and all I did was sit on my butt and eat.
Been there, done that! §.
yeah I’m on a just say no campaign!. No to a lot of drugs that cause certain side effects, like weight gain, depression, even things like dizziness or nausea, because they impact your ability to lead a normal, healthy life.
Jess. I’m intrigued but feel like this might be better in a private convo. Can I email you?
sure!. just click on my handle and email me at that address!
sent! §.
Well. he’s married at 18, so I don’t think he’s too bright to begin with.
Agreed!. That was my thoughts also, but still…what a horrible guy! If you really care about someone, you help them find the problem. Can you imagine what this would do to her if she got broken up with because of weight?
She is also 6′2″ and 210lbs- which is overweight, yes- but I don’t think she could look too terribly bad. I’m 5′7″ and have weighed that and looked heavy- but at 6′2″ she has a lot of inches to put that weight places that I can’t. I don’t even think I looked too horribly bad at 210. Enough to want to lose weight, but still!
ouch. §.
For serious! §.
actually, I think he’d be doing her a favor…. take a hike loser!
lol. Good point! Didn’t think about that! §.
terrible. i had a good friend in high school. She got married… 2 years later. To a total DB if i do say so. And i say so because- his favorite activity was insulting her. Calling her terrible names and embarrassing her out at parties. He made a point to mention how she really needs to get back to the gym (not exact words, and she loked like she was about to cry) right infront of me (i had just lost a bunch of weight). I felt so terrible. I felt terrible i was there, i felt terrible she was married to such an asshole. She’s gained oh, i bet 40 pounds since they’ve been married.
I really worry about her.
That’s so sad.. Is she very young? Not that you have to be to marry a DB. I’ve been in bad relationships before, but never where they were upset with my weight. Hell, I was heavy when I met most of my boyfriends except my current hubby. I was still heavy, just not as much because I was in the process of losing. I gained weight recently because of meds, but he has stuck by me through it all. I feel very lucky.
well. i think she’s young, 23. I personally think that’s too young to get married. But i have good friends who were married at 20- and they are like amazing. Happy, loving, respectful. They even have their own house.
I just really don’t get what she was thinking (the one who married the DB). Didn’t invite any of here “best friends” only his friends. She’s been popping anti-depressants and anxiety pils like they are candy. I’m pretty sure her parents still don’t know they’re married, and she lives in their house.
I get really upset about it, because she was the glue to our group- she was the strong one who would stand up for all of us, smack us if we were being stupid, punch someone if they were rude to us. It just hurts to think about such a strong independent woman being trampled on. But- it’s not my place to say. so…
wow, too many red flags to count. §.
yeah. I really hope i’m wrong though.. I really really really hope i’m wrong. I hope i’m a fool for thinking that. Because i’d rather be a fool, than know she’s getting abused.
if she’s not being. abused physically (yet), she most certainly is being abused mentally. Have you talked to her? One of the first things abusers do is separate their victims from their support system. Then they shower them with guilt and shame.
along with talking to her. as she might not be open to telling you anything about the relationship…just let her know you’ll always be there if she needs you. It might be something you assume she already knows but she probably doesn’t know it. she probably recognizes that she has isolated herself and maybe assumes that she’s lost friends that way. She needs a buddy to just say “hey, I’m here for you and I love you”. If the time comes where she wants to talk, she’ll come to you.
there’s the problem.. see- i was in a bad relationship, and i closed myself off from my friends and family.
That ended, but the repercussions of the relationship were losing my friends. I tired to fix it. I swallowed every bit of pride and sadness and begged for their compassion and company- just anything they were willing to give me. But it wasn’t very much. I think we all grew apart. I’m no longer in the ‘group’. But i think i never really was. THe last time i talked to her, was in response to an angry e-mail. She told me how terrible of a friend/person i was. Maybe i am. I responded telling her that i really miss her all the time, and that i hope she’s happy and stays that way. That was really hard to do- i wanted to call out her DB DH, but i didn’t cause it would have been taken as me defending myself.
But i still lover her. All of them. Everyday i think about them. But- we are all different people now. Or maybe just i am. I try to explain myself, my life- but it is misinterpreted and not understood. And each argument makes me want to change so i can fit in.
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure out what to do.
I had. a similar experience with my sister. She spent about an hour on the phone trying to convince me what a terrible person I was. Turns out she was being physically abused, was in horrible mental pain, and never told anyone.
Sometimes people’s pain comes out sideways, and they try to drive away the people they need most.
agreed. if you look past what she’s said and simply tell her that you love her, when the time comes, she’ll remember that.
My thoughts…. there is something there that she gets, I don’t want to say satisfaction, but something from his aggressiveness. She may have thought he was strong, and someone that could carry the weight instead of her or something like that. Now that she is in the middle of the whole ordeal, it is harder. Harder to get away, harder to say “I screwed up and married this guy”. It would be embarrassing to her. There must have been some sort of recklessness behavior in her to cause her to marry him. Especially hearing her parents don’t know yet and that she was the strong one of your group prior.
All I can say to you, is be there for her if YOU can. If it upsets you too much, you may have to back off. But every decision she makes she will make whether or not you say anything. If she says ANYTHING about leaving him, that is your opportunity to strongly support her. But it sounds like she needs someone to be there for her through this, and you would be a good friend to do so. Although I know from experience, that sometimes having a friend like that in our lives can affect our own life, and we have to make the decision on how much we can be there. Good luck to you and your friend. I feel sad for her.
Xan…. I’ve been that girl. I’ve been the strong, independent, social girl who married the douchebag and ended up in an abusive whirlwind hellhole of a marriage.
It sucks.
Unfortunately, just like any other bad situation, the person involved has to hit rock bottom. For me, fortunately, I was aware it was rock bottom, and I took action. Some womens’ rock bottom, I’m afraid, is irreversible and causes permanent damage, so if she starts showing signs of physical abuse or self-abuse, someone else needs to be able to step in and put a stop to it and get her help.
Keep an eye on her. Ask her often if there’s something you can do to help. A lot of women stay in these marriages because they feel they have nowhere else to go, no money, no options. The relationship, as bad as it sucks, it more comfortable than being penniless and homeless.
The Difo mantra works with her, too – “The pain of staying the same has to be worse than the pain of changing.”
I know you know all this, but my point is that her relationship doesn’t make logical sense–you’ll never understand why she stays.
But it IS well within your right to ask.
It is well within your right to acknowledge the fact that he treats her like crap and tell her so.
It is completely well within your rights to let her know that you don’t view her as the same person anymore.
Her answer? She’ll probably tell you that she’s married now, she’s a different person, of course she’s changed. Or “things aren’t as bad as I make them seem sometimes.”
But at least the bug will be in her ear.
I would have been really hurt (in hindsight) if none of my friends had ever tried to help me when I was in that situation.
he sounds abusive.. Ugh.
chances are. that guy was a DB before he married her, though. Some people just put up with that crap.
Be careful…. While intentions are always good, getting involved in someone else’s problem relationship can have dire consequences. If indeed the friend’s spouse is abusive, disrespectful, what have you, why would he respect your efforts to “talk to” his SO? While being a shoulder for your friend to lean on in trying times is totally acceptable, you also have to be careful and make sure you don’t become his next target! Plenty of “helpers” can become victims.
Ugh… I indulged WAYY too much over the weekend in the booze…. Which resulted in not doing anything physical ALL weekend.
But as of yesterday…. I’m back on track =)
That was supposed to go. under confessions…