Problem with meals…. Ok, I’m not sure if this is a post for DIFO or for the LTR forum, but I’ll try here first…
I have a big problem with my meals and my BF. I live with two guys, one that eats by himself and eats healthy and the other, my BF, that would rather have fast food 24/7 then a healthy cooked meal. I for one, love to cook and try to eat nutritious meals. Somehow he doesn’t want this and just wants his food fast, he doesn’t like that I get home from work and take my time getting settled in and then start to cook. I’ve done the crock pot meals, I’ve tried persuading him into home cooked meals, but his constant nagging and complaining that he is hungry and wants his food NOW is driving me nuts! I then sometimes fall off the wagon just so I give in to his crying.
He doesn’t cook and if he does (his once a year sausage and pasta binge that he thinks is just fabulous) I don’t complain but how do I get him to be more open to the home cooked meal? I also pay for every meal, so I thought that gave me the right to choose the meal. I stock the freezer with veggies and the fridge with fresh veggies, lunch meats, cottage cheese, string cheese and other quick snacks for him but its never satisfying enough for him. Even the frozen meals aren’t enough. Is this a food issue you think or a personal issue? I have always prefered a home cooked meal to a quick greasy meal.
Any thoughts DIFO?! I value and respect everyone’s opinions here! Sorry that its a long one too!
Thank you!
Not a ton of suggestions but while I’m cooking. I tend to give my DH something to snack on, either chips or carrot sticks (he only eats them with tons of ranch, yuck!) or just some cheese and crackers. I dont do it every time I cook but if Im cooking when he gets home from work it tends to help with the “whens dinner ready questions” I use to feel kinda like his mom when I gave him a snack but he works out side 10+ hr days and I just dont like him to have to be hungry when he gets home (and before any one ask yes we are still newly weds:P)
You get to pick. You don’t have to eat what he eats.
He doesn’t have to eat what you fix.
You fix what you want to eat.. he can eat it or not.
I don’t see any other solution where SOMEONE isn’t unhappy.
If you eat crap, you’re not happy.
If he doesn’t eat crap, he’s not happy.
What other solution is there than that you both eat whatever you want to eat?
I agree with this. If you can’t get him to snack until dinner is ready. There’s really nothing you can do except eat seperate meals. And if you can’t resolve the issue, and it bothers you that he eats seperate meals. . . and you really just can’t get over it. Then it’s time to start asking another question . . .
bingo…. §.
But give it time. How long have you tried to persuade him into eating healthier?
And just take note that just because you are being healthy, doesn’t mean he has to. I had an issue when I first quit smoking b/c my BF didn’t quit. . . but I can’t control that.
True true, he doesn’t have to eat. healthy but just thought that if I am already cooking, I can make what he wants too. So if I’m making a salad and some fish, he can have his mac’n cheese with a hamburger or whatever, just an example.
That’s a lot of cooking. I had a boyfriend for 4 years. . . he ate absolute crap. We were pretty much engaged. . . but I always wondered what I would do if we were to get married. I mean. . . I’m not gonna cook two meals just so the boyfriend can eat crap his whole life. It’s hard enough to cook one meal.
Is this what you want. for the rest of your life?
Cook two meals?
I understand accomodation (if one person doesn’t like green beans, maybe you fix corn instead)… but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on here.
It sounds like you are a short order cook.
It’s up to you.. but I sure wouldn’t do it.
Word! §.
I see this point. and I usually like to make it just one meal and not split it between me making my own meal and he has his fast food but I think it will come to this. Thanks you for your thoughts.
agree here, my SO was similar, but has changed. over time.
The rule of thumb is I will try to cater to his tastes and will often use the same ingredients, but cook it two different ways. I cook on Sunday so I only have to reheat a few meals during the week so there is no time involved. I still try to give him a lower fat, balanced version of whatever he is eating though.
If he doesnt like what I cooked then he will eat what he can, then he fixes himself something. If I am feeling nice I will fix him something else after dinner (like a fruit protein smoothie).
I am his gf and like to make him happy and do things for him, but I am not his personal chef. If he wants something and I am not ready to provide it, he can get it.
Overtime he has become more versatile because I will make 1/2 the meal BF friendly and throw in something that I prefer he eat and ask that he at least take one bite at the beginning of the meal while he is hungry. As a result he has developed a taste for things he never though he would.
Question…. are you paying for all of the groceries AND his fast food meals?
Yep §.
That doesn’t make sense to me. §.
I’m confused. Does he not work? Why would you be paying for all food, including his fast food. . . .and how on earth do you put up with that?
Very good question…. He has been out of work for 3 months and so I have become the “bread winner” for the two of us and I really don’t know how I put up with it. When I look back at what I wrote I do has my self more questions other then the food one.
I think he may have found a job finally so I’m hoping he picks up the slack and he is miserable without a job and he knows he owes me. I guess I’m waiting for my return from him in this aspect…
O that wouldn’t fly with me!. If he doesn’t like what you are cooking then he should pay for something else!
well stop. Tell him that you can’t afford to pay for both and tell him that if he wants to eat fast food meals, he has to pay for them himself…that seems fair, no?
I have said this,. but with no job he can’t and then I give in. I can sometimes get him to understand where I’m coming from but I also thought I could get him to eat what I do. I guess its a mute point.
I’m also a newlywed,. and when I’m cooking dinner and my wife doesn’t want what I’m making, we share the kitchen and she makes what she wants.
stand your ground. just say “no, I’m not paying for two seperate meals, tough bananas dude!” Seriously, if he is whining about it to a point where you give in just to shut him up, I’d be questioning more than his eating habits. I mean honestly, he’s totally entitled to eat what he wants, and he’s entitled to have opinions on what he likes and dislikes, but if you are doing him a favor by purchasing the groceries because he’s out of work, he needs to suck it up and not be a baby about it.
Thank you thank you thank you. Can I take you home with me?!? lol just kidding, but yes this is the exact point I need to make. Thank you a million!
absolutely. well-said! §.
The wonderful thing about not being married. is that you can leave at any time.
YOU GET TO PICK..
Is his being unemployed a pattern, or due to the fact that there are a LOT of people losing their jobs now?
Is he out there hustling up something else, or is he playing video games all day?
Pay attention and observe the situation objectively. Emotions cloud the issue.
Put your big girl panties on and tell him who YOU are (i.e., “I am someone who fixes nutritious meals”)… see what happens.
omg yes…. He is out of work because of the “economy” but is actively looking…on the internet. He is also playing video games and uh hum….watching “videos” online if you know what I mean.
I have thought of leaving him but I am also empathetic and thought “what if I lost my job”? there is a lot more to that but as far as food went I wanted to see what everyone here thought.
I am going to do the tough love and tell him how it is and that is that. I appreciate your feedback on this.
GL!. I hope it goes well. Just remember to stay strong and that you don’t need to be walked all over, you deserve better than that.
Thank you §.
So he’s not really looking that hard. He needs to go out and go door to door and talk to people. Looking online doesn’t take 3 months. I’m betting his “active looking” is 10% of his day, if not less.
You say you feel empathetic and think “what if I lost my job” . . . I’m sure that if you were stuck with no job and no boyfriend to take care of you, you’d find a job pretty quick. You can work at McDonalds for all I care. A job is a job, no one is too high and mighty to take a lower job in a time like this. It doesn’t have to be your dream job.
I’m sure he’s a big boy and can take care of himself. Not leaving him b/c he has no job is not a good enough reason. When he finds a job, and you still aren’t happy with him. Will you find another reason to justify staying with him? It’s easy to do!!! Be careful! Wake up! Something will always keep you around. Be strong!
He isn’t looking as hard. as I think someone would that really needs a job. I get on his case all the time. He has other bills he needs to pay that I don’t and WON’T pay.
I agree with you, “You say you feel empathetic and think “what if I lost my job” . . . I’m sure that if you were stuck with no job and no boyfriend to take care of you, you’d find a job pretty quick. ”
plus if he works at mcdonalds…. he can feed his own lazy ass at work. win-win.
Haha. YES. PERFECT!!!! §.
I was thinking the same! lol §.
I bet if he worked at McD he wouldnt. want to ever touch FF again after about 1 month!
job Hunting. I know there are others on here that have found a job in the last year, but I have found two jobs in the last year (I was laid of 9 months into the first one.
the number one rule to job hunting is… when you dont have a job, finding a job is your full time job. you should be putting in 8 hours a day finding a job. Internet, “pounding the pavement”, going to networking events, polishing interviewing skills, scheduling informational interviews, resume review and editing,. There are lots of ways to job hunt and it does take time.
I recommend “What color is your parachute” Its a great book on finding a job/career.
As long as you are. enabling him NOT to work… he can cruise along pretty easily. Tossing in a little job hunting here and there.. searching a couple o’ databases…
If he had a choice between getting his ass in gear and living under a bridge somewhere… I’ll bet he’d move a little faster.
The economy sucks.. but he needs to hustle.
Hmmmm. I dunno how long you guys have been going out. . . but I’m confused as to why you would take such care of him. He whines enough so you cave in and get him food. Sounds an awful like your mom does when you really want an ice cream cone.
If he wants fast food THAT badly, get a job (I realize it’s a poor economy. . . buuutttt is he REALLY looking hard for a job. . . . ?) Otherwise i’m sure he could live with eating your food at home.
MOOT point (not mute) §.
Oh yes thank you, thought I spelled it wrong. §.
Oh. I wouldn’t be buying no fast food!!! §.
here’s what I think. if he want’s fast food for dinner every night, or if he wants something other then what your cooking for, then HE should go get it himself. If he want’s the luxury of you both paying and preparing the food, then he has no room to bitch.
I think you need to give him some tough love and tell him that this is what your are cooking and if he doesn’t like it, too bad.
Now. If you want to be the good girlfriend and make compromises, maybe you can make a “menu” of sorts for the week so that he knows what your planning on cooking and on those days can choose to do something different for himself.
Another thought, maybe he needs an afternoon snack so that he’s not looking for dinner the moment you walk into the door.
Last thought – is he willing to eat home cooked meals if (a) they are timely and (b) they are prepared in a more fatty/calorie manner? If so, possibly the two of you could make a schedule where he starts the cooking and you can finish it up. And, you can make your meal diet friendly, and if he wants, he can add more junk (butter, salt, cheese, bacon, etc.) to make it more appealing to him.
I can sympathize with you, Ucant. My boyfriend doesn’t care much for veggies and such and eats a very carb / protein heavy diet. HOWEVER, we made many compromises and he will eat subsitites of the foods the he likes, so we have a happy medium. Or, I give him the larger portion of rice, pasta, “junky” food and I fill the rest of my plate with veggies.
This sounds great. If these kinds of compromises can’t be made. . . then I’d say you need to end it.
……….. §.
I’m thinking of the. tough love. I really need to put my foot down and its really hard sometimes. I agree with the compromising part, I guess I just don’t know how to start it. I’m also glad to hear how other people here adjust or work their SO’s meals to their likely as well.
When I say yes all the time, its gonna be hard to say No and get a good response. thanks chicago_runner
you and I my love are very similar creatures. I was a welcome mat for soooo many years because I didn’t know how to say no. And when I do say no, I worry (read: anxiety!!!) that I’ve upset them, or I come off like a total bitch.
Compromise will come easier with time, but you have to start somewhere. You can do it, the most important part is to be confident. Don’t be wishy-washy or he’ll find a way to manipulate you to get what he wants. Stand up for yourself girl!
You say . . .. “When I say yes all the time, its gonna be hard to say No and get a good response”
Oh well. Let the fight break out. Better get your emotions out there now instead of bottling them up. You’ve realized that you shouldn’t put up with this behavior anymore, so what if it took you a while to figure it out. You reserve the right to make decisions whether they are time delayed or not. Tough shit. . . he’ll either eat your food or look for a job even harder. Don’t cave in. If he gives you crap for this, you really need to rethink your relationship. After you explain the fact that you take your time grocery shopping and cooking and preparing meals, he needs to respect you.
excellent advice. §.
My .02. I agree with what most people have said, so far.
I would “kindly” (and I put that in quotes for a reason) let him know that I am not McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King.
I would also “kindly” tell him that his whining about things is immature and annoying.
Next, I would “kindly” let him know that you are not a short-order cook in a greasy spoon diner. If he doesn’t like the service, he can take his business elsewhere.
Sounds to me like someone is used to being catered to. Time to cut the umbilical cord and grow up.
well said §.
Very much so on all these points.. I do kindly say these things and I also say that I am not a waitress. I hope that putting my stern foot down will show I’m not giving in to his crying.
All I want to do is make food that is good, I would have never of thought someone would choose fast food over a cooked meal. Wish I was 16 again when things like this didn’t matter in a relationship!
Ugh, thanks ladyjess, I will take your thoughts with me tonight as I go home and decide how I’m going to handle my situation.
I dated a man a while back like that.. And yes, he was used to being catered to (by his mother, sister and aunt). He got a rude awakening when he moved in with me and believe me, we had our arguments over food stuff. Of course, he didn’t eat ANY veggies. Soon he learned to enjoy some vegetables and quickly learned that we couldn’t pay the rent and utilities if he was eating our money at fast food joints (or other diner type places). I explained to him very carefully that we were not the rich and famous and needed to stick to the budget. I gladly took any suggestions pr input into meal planning from him, but he needed to understand that dining out/fast food is a luxury, not a necessity. Along with the “I’m not your mother” and “Time to grow up” speech that I gave him. He seriously could not even boil water though, so hey, at least your man is one step above that.
That being said, treat it like a luxury. My current bf and I do date night once a week and enjoy an evening out (which gives me a break from cooking, and him a break too)
So did you basically. fix a meal and he would eat it and complain or not or how did you go about it? I’m trying to compromise and now I see that I am too much and need to get back to my old ways of making a meal that I love and that he will appreciate. I had my ex come see me last week and he asked me “so you still cook all those good dinners you use to?” I was actually embarrassed to say no.
I would experiment. or if he liked something specific (like spaghetti with meat sauce), I would make it healthier. I do a lot of substitution in my cooking, subbing out the not so great ingredients with better, more healthy options. And honestly for him, he had never eaten a veggie that wasn’t canned before, so he found he liked a lot of them steamed or “hidden” in other foods. Heck I even got him to eat a veggie burger I made!
At first he wasn’t crazy about it, but he got used to it (or actually enjoyed it).
Also, he’s complaining about things when you have grab and go stuff in your fridge, so the time argument is lame at best.
I also agree what he’s doing is disrespectful given his current circumstances. You are also NOT a bank. Keep this stuff in mind when he starts to whine and let him know its hurtful, disrespectful and insulting.
If he continues, well, he knows where the door is. Don’t let it hit him in the a$$ on the way out.
Like others have said, you are worth far more than that, but I do believe we can all change, given the want/need/desire to, etc.
Okay.. You can offer some snacks if he’s hungry while you’re preparing dinner.
If he doesn’t like it, he can do whatever he wants.
BUT, he shouldn’t be nagging and complaining to YOU that he is hungry.
He can grow up and fend for his own meals.
And if he doesn’t want what you prepare, well, more for YOU!
Examine the role you are playing in this… you are his partner, not his Mom. Just a suggestion.
just a few other suggestions to add. What kind of food does he like at home? What kind of snacks? What does he do for breakfast and lunch when you are at work if he can’t cook?
Here is what I do for meal planning:
I get the family together once a week to plan the shopping list. My husband and I say: there is enough money to eat out one time (or no times) this week. Everything else has to be made at home. Then everyone asks for a meal that they like. And snacks. And lunches. And breakfast foods. For the kids, I don’t give them a lot of options. My husband can ask for whatever we wants, and I write it down. Then I go shopping, and that’s all we have for the week. If husband doesn’t like dinner, he can make a sandwich or something else.
If someone asks for something calorific (like my son requests lasagna and beef stroganoff a lot), I make it and pair it with a giant salad.
Well typically he will. go for the frozen burritos that are like 50 cents that I sometimes get for him, but he will eat 2 or 3 a meal and then still be hungry an hour later. He will eat chips and salsa, but in the matter of a few days and then we are out. He will eat some frozen meals, but again he will be hungry an hour or two later. I buy ramen noodles and he will eat them but then complains that he is tired of them. I don’t remember who said it on here but he was catered by his mom and his past girlfriends and I don’t want to cater but it looks like I have slipped into it. Not as much as the others have but enough for me. I do have him come with sometimes when I go shop for food, and that can help so he picks out stuff I think I can afford for the week.
has he always eaten that much?. Or is he depressed from unemployment and the symptoms include complaining and overeating? I think men get really down when they are out of work. My husband played video games for a month straight when he was laid off. I feel your frustration!
omg yes. I believe he is depressed and does eat more. He use to have a great paying job years ago and could buy expensive clothes and furniture and cars ( I wasn’t dating him then) but now he is so broke it kills him. I don’t think its a valid excuse but it is what it is. Yes it is so frustrating!
Dump him and Pick me. I would love to have a woman who not only cooks, but buys all the food as well. I was thinking of getting a slave-wife mail order, but you are much closer AND you pay for food. Will you cater my poker parties too?
As long as the food is my buy in! Lol §.
We play for peanuts! LOL §.
lol yeah, but are they raw, roasted, salted?!? §.
Your handle says it iall. He can’t handle you. You need an upgrade.
You have a fundamental lifestyle conflict – this is not trivial. Either he comes around, or you find a better model of BF.
I’m actually really embarrased to post. this here. I feel like people may look at me as a weak person for this and then relate it my ability to choose my diet. I do eat healthy for the most part, I only slip because of my SO maybe twice a month. I’ll work on it!! I always listen to what everyone has to say.
I’m glad I posted my problem so that I can get all of your tips and opinions and suggestions. Thank you everybody.
I genuinely am glad I joined this forum. It is something that gets me thru the day and week!
A million times thank you.
Oops, I meant twice a week. §.
Good luck and I dont think any one will think. you are a weak person, it takes guts to ask for help and it takes guts to try and change something in your life your not happy with! Fingers crossed for you but I doubt you will need it, Im sure you can do it without the luck!
don’t be embarrased. Everyone has issues to deal with.
Diet and exercise are just one part of your life, they should not consume your whole life. If you are making the right choices 90% of the time, then you are on track.
It’s a learning experience at least. I know it seems terribly frustrating and/or embarrassing, but keep in mind that to be in a relationship you have to learn some lessons about each other. Some will be more difficult than others. And if nothing else improves and you do wind up kicking him to the curb, at least you have learned what you will/or won’t tolerate.
no judging. if we were all to let people into our lives I am sure we all would have a grand old time swapping stories.
i have a somewhat similar problem. Although not as extreme as yours. My boyfriend loves the healthy stuff that I make and lost 20 pounds within the first few months of us dating W/o even trying!!!! (and he wasn’t heavy to being when–is now 6′ and 175.)
The issue I have is that even the healthy food I make for him is more than what I am used to. (As I mentioned, dinner used to be a veggie burger patty and some steamed veggies!!!!) So my weight loss has stopped completely. I am somehow managing to maintain because I now eat less during the day, but it’s still a struggle!!!!
So, I feel for you–your situation is much more complex than mine. I think I would crack!!!!
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If we didn’t have weaknesses, we wouldn’t be human.
There’s not shame in recognizing issues and working on them.
don’t be embarrassed. we all have our trips and slips that we need support with from time to time.
no judgment here.. We’re all human, and everyone has burdens.
Please please please do not give in to his whining. This is like Parenting 101: every time you give in to whining, you teach them that whining WORKS, and you get more of it! Stand your ground no matter how uncomfortable he tries to make you feel. You will have to do this more than once, or twice, trust me, because he won’t believe that you mean it this time, until you prove to him you do, repeatedly. Good luck!
Thanks, I will need it! §.
my boss likes to quote dr. phil at me. “we teach people how to treat us.”
I can’t stand dr. phil, but in a lot of cases that’s true.
I think that is absolutely true. §.
I think I believe that too. §.